I had a hard day today. My mind was racing, my emotions were high, I was upset with all the political unrest in our Country, and I couldn’t seem to focus on my work to save my life.
For the first time today, for a brief moment, I looked at life through the lens of a homeless man. Someone who couldn’t or quit playing by society’s rules, and either got tired of or didn’t want to become a burden upon those that he loved, so he chose to just wander into the woods one day.
Tears came to my eyes as I pondered just how close I could be to his reality, and how little really separates any of us from such a fate. Chance, choice, destiny, belief, soundness of mind… As Rich Mullins used to sing, “we’re not as strong as we think we are.”
For maybe the first time, I had compassion for homeless people. I’ve always seen them as an obstacle in the road to avoid, a pan handler, a peddler, a drunkard… I’ve always assumed that they were just lazy, and if they applied half as much effort to any job as they do to begging… An abuse of the system, I rationalized, trying to exploit the hearts of the honest working class, for hand-outs. I’m not a very compassionate or giving person.
If that were ME, could I bring along my pet parrot as a companion? Could I find a way to care for her needs?
Assuming that I came from a life of adequate provision, which I have, what would I choose to bring along on such a journey, if I had to CARRY everything that I owned, each and every day? What is really worth it’s weight and size? A light feather pillow for sure, a small backpack with a sleeping bag. Anything too nice and it would get stolen. I’d want things which weren’t fancy, but would serve me well, and offer me (and my bird) a tiny bit of comfort in this cruel World.
I pictured myself getting older, with the real possibility of getting dementia, as my bloodline has been cursed, with my wife needing to care for me more than she already does, and the thought just broke my heart. Wanting to give back and not knowing how or feeling unable. Thinking that one day it may be better for her if I just wandered away, and was no longer a burden. I never wanted to be a burden on anyone. I never thought that I was before. But it has been so hard lately to focus… it has been so difficult to get traction and stay the course.
I’m not even 50 years old yet, what would my life look like in another 10 or 20 years?
My parrot should still be around then, but will I be worth my weight and size to carry?